{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
You Might Also Like
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
In banana years, I am bread.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.