Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
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I’m good, thanks.
True statement👍😏😁
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?