Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
#Thanos #MondayMood
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.