$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Become ungovernable.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.