Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
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9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.