GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
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I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Oh wow, she鈥檚 so whimsical and fun. Ope, I鈥檓 wrong. She鈥檚 just plastered in the middle of the day.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Jehovah鈥檚 Witness: have you found god?
me: I鈥檓 not telling you, that鈥檚 cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that鈥檚 not how you play hide and seek, you鈥檝e got to find him yourself!
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
eyes: what鈥檚 that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can鈥檛 dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 馃憤馃徎
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 馃槈
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven鈥檛 done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.