Never ghost your hitman.
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Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?