A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
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me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
All. The. Damn. Time.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
every. time.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Cashiers are always checking me out
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
At Walmart during the holidays like..