[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
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*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Netflix: We have Less