instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
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Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12