it’s finally my moment to shine
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*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me