[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
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The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone