Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
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Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
starting a garage orchestra
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.