I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
You Might Also Like
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases