Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
You Might Also Like
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I know
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?