I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
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Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
#CatsOnTwitter
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me