Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
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Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
how to exercise your calf muscles
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”