Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
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I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician