Not all heroes wear capes…
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If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so