*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
181.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans