I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
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I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Meow?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY