I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.