How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I was up all night reading about insomnia
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I am, perchance
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Smile they said.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
There’s always that one guy
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself