1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
the clam before the storm
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo