Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
You Might Also Like
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.