So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
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Expectations vs. Reality
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans