GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
The fall of Netflix
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Stop sending me this shit.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.