Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[montage of me giving-up]
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
my fav colour is also hitler
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.