[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
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My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I got soap in my shower beer again.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???