Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
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My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide