Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
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Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Don’t touch that.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”