In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
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Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…