A dating app for angry people- Grumble
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I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.