three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa