“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
You Might Also Like
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.