[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
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If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
where the womens at?