Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
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The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside