The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
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early stone age tool
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Just how popey was the pope today?
The “baby” on the left….
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
🤣🤣🤣