When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
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me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Do one person every day that scares you.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer