I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
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After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
How I like cutting carbs
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink