[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
You Might Also Like
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.