Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
You Might Also Like
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
In banana years, I am bread.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I gave up going to work for lent.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell