Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
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Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me