“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…