Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
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God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.