The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Brother?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)