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[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough