Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
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“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.