[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
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I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.