To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
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I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.